On Darkness

Image result for darkness I have always considered myself to be a dark person for a myriad of reasons. Growing up my favorite shows were Courage The Cowardly Dog, Are You Afraid of The Dark, Beyond Belief Fact or Fiction? I loved Jumanji and Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory for their spooky whimsicality. Whether it was spooky stories, haunting music, or scary movies; if it was macabre I was into it.  Overall I just have always enjoyed the feeling of being scared.  I’ve never been ashamed of this, and why would I? I’ve had an affinity for dark colors, bleak days, and eerie music as long as I can remember and consider it to be a quirk of mine.  We all have those, right? Some people enjoy bright colors, bright days, and poppy tunes, and don’t get me wrong I love those things too, but in the back of my mind, I’ve always preferred the dark.

 

While I appreciated my quirk for what it was what I found more difficult to embrace was my emotional darkness.  I remember once talking to a friend on the phone and telling him I was afraid to share anything dark or heavy with people and he tried to assure me healthy friendships allow for sharing and support.  Four years later and I consider that a lesson I still have not learned.  I mentioned liking dark things, but I am not sure others pick up on that.  I think I often present as the cheery, bright, colored, bright day person I mentioned earlier. I work very hard to keep my dark parts to myself.  I like to take care of other people and I’ve often felt being dark with them would obfuscate that.  So I don’t. img_8955  Now, now you may be lecturing me about how this doesn’t seem like a very healthy way to be, and you’d be right.  It’s not.  Not by a long shot,  My inability to communicate pain with others has stunted me in many ways, not only this, it has seeped out into other aspects of my life.  I find it difficult to even think about bringing my pain to other people, even here on my own blog I struggle sharing my darker writing because I know people can read it. The truth is I am scared; of what, you ask? Well; of judgment, vulnerability, exposure, of lots of things really.  When I  sit and think about it I come to understand much of my life has been characterized by fear.  But fear doesn’t serve me, so why not let it go? Much of my own art asks me to let go of the fear that I’ve held onto.  I consider this blog to be a piece of art and a piece of myself as well, so I want to take the time to hold space for myself and invite myself to embrace fear.  Your role in this is just as important as my own, you are the witness.  I think often about visibility and what it means to see others, I think seeing people is a very radical thing we so often we find ourselves hidden or erased.  Thank you for being here, thank you for receiving me.  This is a beginning as well as an end, I’m going to give myself permission to be scared, to be scary, and to be more authentic; without further ado….

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